because to start suspecting that you might be attracted to the same sex while being surrounded by people who believe it’s disgusting and a sin (hell, while a part of you might even still believe it’s a sin yourself) is painful painful painful.
because to realize that you definitely are attracted to the same sex but that you’re still also attracted to the opposite sex is confuckingfusing and it HURTS to be told by people on both sides that the very real space you’re inhabiting is a lie, a transition, a joke, an abomination, when all you really want is to be true to yourself and as open as humanly possible to love (is that so bad?).
because to grow up believing in god and wanting desperately to make sure you’re believing in him in the most true and accurate and adequate way possible is fucking hard, especially when you have a dumb ole’ brain that’s trying to pump its way through its own feeble grasp of limited/mistranslated/distorted information.
because it’s one of the most exhausting things you can ever experience, straining with every fucking ounce of your being night after night and year after year to wring some faith out of a dried-out rag while in the pit of you you’re starting to realize that there’s never any escaping this doubt-rag, that it will sit stuck to the kitchen window-sill of your soul for the rest of your goddamn life and there’s nothing you can do about it.
because when you’re wading through words and labels and identities, there’s more than just words, there’s ripples and difficult conversations, e.g., how do you explain to your family and friends that you’re bisexual or queer or whatever the fuck you want to call it, because wouldn’t it just be easier to say you’re gay? because at least then you can say, “I don’t have a choice, I was born this way, please just accept it,” but now what you have to say is, “technically I do have a choice, I don’t HAVE to fuck men, I could easily live the rest of my life fucking women and then I’d be A-OK in the eyes of your god, but guess what? I CHOOSE to engage in this behavior, because even if I’m not as limited to it by my genes/nature as a lot of other people are, I think it’s downright fun and you know what? something deep and genuine and divine in me loves to do it, loves to be fucked by a man, and if someday I find a man who makes me happy, who wants me to be everything I can be, who makes me actually want to live and laugh and love in fulfilling and meaningful ways, then shouldn’t I be allowed to explore his body and mind just as much as I’d explore a woman’s and shouldn’t he be allowed to fuck me? HUH?”
because knowing that people who you desperately love really truly believe you’re going to hell when you die makes you feel like your heart is deflating and falling to the bottom of your feet and oozing through the holes in your worn-out shoes and mixing with dirt and jagged stones while your head is still up there swaying back and forth in the sunlight and tears.
because navigating the world and navigating yourself are difficult fucking things that are almost always pulling you in thousands of different directions, and to feel like you might lose the people you love in the process and become a theological warning sign for them instead of a living breathing feeling human being, is a shitty shitty fear to have and makes navigating everything that much harder.
because eventually you realize that you are carrying so much fear and sadness and pain around with you and if you’re going to go a single step further you’re gonna’ need to find something to do with all of it.
because humans are humans, words are words, bodies are bodies and penises and vaginas and mouths and butts are penises and vaginas and mouths and butts and if there’s somebody out there who created them then I’m sure they’re getting a kick out of all our creativity.
because the idea of a god who gives a shit about the sexuality of a single species on a single planet on the edge of an entire fucking universe teeming with biology is fucking ludicrous.
because what really matters is love.
because there’s nothing more beautiful than love.
because the most important thing in the world has got to be got to be got to be love.